Thursday, July 14, 2016

mid year check point - july 2016

7 months gone! 5 more to go this year! the clock is ticking, ticking, ticking away.

i feel aged. my body aches. my skin is sagging. my face is loose. 

but i feel at peace, and happy and grateful and calm.

i have so much love for my girls, it's pretty amazing. this whole motherhood thing. they are growing up so fast! the little yeti is a big girl now - 23 kg and 110cm. she's no longer that chubby and stumpy toddler but a little girl. E, on the other hand, is a full grown toddler now. she still can't articulate well, but she has a good vocal and is always talking and singing. she loves to dance especially, and likes to slap her butt when she hears music (!!!).

my job is pretty good. the money is good, the work is challenging, my colleagues are good fun. i'm having a nice enough time, but it gets busy, and stressful. i wish i could relax more. 

- start retirement savings plan- a photobook every other month
- reduce my carbon footprint: recycle more, walk more, consume less- spend more time with little yeti on her homework (she is quickly falling behind!)
- spend more time with sweet e reading, talking and singing
- pick up french (?)
- learn more about the markets
- new: sort out my complexion (PLEASE!)
- new: exercise once a week at least
- new: take leave to spend time with yeti and E

halfway mark and i feel like i've done pretty okay in terms of what i wanted to do this year. i really need to do more phonebooks and spend more time with the girls. ever since joining this new firm, i haven't been able to relax at home and chill with the girls. i miss that. and they grow so fast. i must make time to do more of that.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

no more love?

french fry and i are going through a rough patch. maybe it's just me, just my restless imagination; maybe he feels as tired of me as i am of him. there is no third party involved (or at least i don't imagine there is), but i am just tired, bored and annoyed all the time. our styles don't match yo!

he's so in love with the kids, he's forgotten he's a husband too. or, at the very least, a friend. our lives revolve around the kids, his especially. i still travel (for work), go shopping on my own, have my girlie lunches, run out for massages and facials... he stays home all the time. he's happy like that. i'm not. he doesn't read. i wish he did.

he's a road rage, drives poorly, is lazy, overly dramatic, short tempered especially with the helper, and does the minimal at home, outside of the girls.

i am not one for airing dirty linen but i feel terribly unhappy. of course this is just my side of the story. he would tell you i am short tempered, grouchy, demanding, and distracted. and i don't cook.

at the crux of it, i guess i feel lonely. of course i love my girls and i love the time we spend together as family, but i feel so lonely. and trapped some times. my spirit wants to soar, to feel some exhilaration, sometimes. instead, i come home every day from work, sit down with the yeti to do homework, watch a little telly then sleep. weekends we go to playgrounds and shopping malls, yell at the girls a little, do a little colouring and sleep. it's the routine that kills me.

in any case, i'm off to london in march. it has been a while since london... 4 years. i always love london. maybe i should extend my trip, do some soul searching, live a little, soar a little.

maybe i need a bucket list.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

2016 resolutions

because, why not?

so here's my list, and here's hoping i muster enough tenacity to keep to it:

- start retirement savings plan
- a photobook every other month
- reduce my carbon footprint: recycle more, walk more, consume less
- spend more time with little yeti on her homework (she is quickly falling behind!)
- spend more time with sweet e reading, talking and singing
- pick up french (?)
- learn more about the markets

oh, such sensible resolutions i have this year! i feel quite grown up suddenly! teeheehee...

Saturday, October 3, 2015

on aging

here i am at 37 years old. at the half way point. feeling ancient, but not naive enough to imagine i have experienced enough.

my memory is failing. my skin is looser, my eyesight is no longer perfect, i feel tired and sleep has become more important. 

perhaps because i am no longer energetic, i feel very settled. i no longer crave new experiences, new sights, but look forward to being home, settled in the couch, surfing the world through the internet. 

work takes me to new places though. and i am enjoying that. it was my first time to taiwan last month, and i took some time off at night to visit the famous street market: drink some bubble tea, get a foot massage, buy facial sheet masks. i stayed at the oriental mandarin - a beautiful hotel. the room was super lush, super comfortable, and the service was top notch. as a souvenir, i bought me a jade bangle. a reminder of my heritage, for protection, my namesake. and of course, it was just really pretty as well.

there has been a meme going around, and i do feel quite the same: i am a 37 year old with an 18 year old self, thinking "what just happened?" i don't feel like a mother of two, i don't feel middle aged, i don't feel like one of those mumsies who go grocery shopping every weekend (i don't actually - french fry does that). in many ways, i still feel like a girl. I squeal when i'm excited, i pepper my emails with !!!, i like cute notebooks and pretty pen colours, and i resist going to bed every night. i often wonder if it was the same with my parents. at my age, they seemed so... responsible.

lately i've been dreaming a lot about falling in love. am i not getting enough romance in real life? a part of me misses the butterflies, but it's the 18 year old self and it's a time long gone and the 37 year old me knows the butterflies will never come back. 

it must be said - i am not unhappy, not at all. just a little more analytical, and dare i say it... scared. aging scares the hell out of me.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

homeward bound - transiting in the airport lounge

it has been two weeks. i liked boston. i had some pretty cool moments: taking a stroll in the public gardens amidst all the pretty colours that were the trees, flowers, grass... watching duckies swim in the lake and children rolling in the grass. it was pretty cool. life, that's what it's all about isn't it?

i spent tons of time alone. watching old episodes of modern family (so good!!) and survivor, and new episodes of the amazing race, and old movies like dead poets' society. i also managed to get out some: i went to newbury street, spent a really really nice afternoon at harvard square, had lobster bisque for dinner, and starbucks for breakfast. it was nice. all the lone time. it had been a while and i had been so worried i'd be lonesome, but it wasn't so at all. i was happy! and comfortable and i felt really quiet and at peace, if it makes any sense. i felt like myself.

i went shopping. shopping in the US is surprisingly cheap! i bought the kids a ton of clothes and even managed to buy many polo shirts for french fry. i bought myself some skincare, and even managed to get gifts for the family and K. my bags are full. packed to the brim.

now, i miss my two little ones dearly. what i wouldn't do to hold them in my arms right now. my little yeti and sweet e. i miss their smell, i miss yeti's chubby cheeks and her cheeky grins. hell, i even miss her bad singing. she sang me "you are my sunshine" over skype last night and she was half crying, maybe coz she was missing me too? i miss her terribly. and e, i want to tickle her and kiss her and carry her and swing her around and watch her squirm and pose for a picture. i miss my baby!

mother's day without the kiddos was hard.

i miss my french fry too.

now that i am homeward bound and at the final leg of my journey, i just can't wait.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

in transit

i am off to boston on a business trip. for two weeks!!! such a long time to be away from the family, especially the two girls. sob. I will miss them dearly.

i am trying to be brave and fun, thinking of all the time i have alone and how i can, how i should capitalise. so far, i've bought a pair of shoes and two bottles of perfume (and i haven't even set foot in boston yet!) i am pleased with my purchases but also slightly sheepish. because, those things are pretty frivolous aren't they. what's most important are the girls. it's crazy how attached i've become to those two rascals.

two weeks is a long time. being alone feels so unfamiliar, and it's only day 1. not even. it's day zero. i'm in heathrow, in transit, and it's all brand new to me again. i can't remember the last time i was in london, but it must have been at least five years ago... before the yeti was even born. the airport looks different, it's so much newer, and yet, it smells the same. it smells so familiar. how funny is it that certain places have certain smells?

i am reminded of a time when i was young, single, and raring for my next adventure. i thought briefly about my first trip to london, how i packed my bags and hopped on the plane alone - to visit a friend. it was a pretty cool trip. liberating, exciting, new.


has it ever done anyone any good?

it's now going to be the first time i set foot in the states. i am pretty excited. 37 years old.  i am surprised it has taken me so long to visit USA, but life sometimes overtakes you and time does fly by so quickly. so yeah, as homesick as i may get, i have to be thankful of small mercies, and be glad that work has given me a chance to fly halfway across the world to visit a brand new country. i hope i like boston.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

about time

the movie. made me cry made me laugh. it was breelliant! even if it did not get rave reviews from the critics. i watched the movie yesterday, prior to which i had never heard of it, and wondered how it could have slipped past my radar completely! i used to be such a movie buff.

got me thinking about life, cancer, papa, my girls, the passing of time - how quickly it all goes... youth.

i took a day off work today. since starting this new job in january it has been hectic. i haven't been able to spend as much time as i'd like with the 2 girls. so i thought i'd take a day off today - potter around, pretend i am a sahm, play with the girls, take them out, just be around. i know the day will fly by, but i intend to make full use of it.

i should also really update this space more...